Three Black Spots

Lori

When a couple are driving out in the ‘wilds’ and they are lost, a deafening silence descends on the car. Whoever speaks first loses. The man is usually thinking ‘Why didn’t I Mapquest or ask for directions?’ The woman is usually thinking ‘I should have listened to my father, and not married this shlub’. Redemption does come in the form of an exit sign, a gas station, or a discarded map that has been lying below the back seat waiting for its moment in the sun. All is well again, till the next time.

Mina and I found ourselves wandering up and down the lengths of rural Pennsylvania on our visits to Ayesha and her family. The first time, we all laughed. The second time, we were an hour and a half late for dinner, and walked in to a cold turkey and a very strained welcome. The third time, she bought us a GPS.

Her name is Lori, and she is the disembodied computer voice that we now hear every time we drive. Lori is the forgiving parent we all wish we had. I am capable of seeing the electronic map display in front of me, hearing her dulcet tones asking me to ‘ bear right and take the exit’, and blowing right past it. Wisdom only dawns when I see the next set of signs, headed towards somewhere we don’t want to go.

Does Lori hit me on the head? Does she scream at me ‘ You idiot’? No. She just says ‘recalculating route’, the map does its electronic whirl, and soon I have a new set of directions. No recriminations. No blame or shame. I think I detect a hint of sorrow, a tinge of disappointment in her voice, but that may just be my guilty conscience. I have let her down, I know it, and deep down, I think she does too.

Yoda is fascinated by Lori. He loves to sit up in front with me while Mina is driving, and his favorite mode is to stick his nose up against the glass, and look out of the side. I have no idea what his beady eyes are seeing, but he is completely fascinated by the scenery. The first time he heard Lori, he looked around completely startled. Who was this new person in the car? Had someone snuck in while he was not looking? The voice was obviously coming from the front of the car, and it took him some time to figure out that the little box on the windshield was the source.

We tried experimenting with other voices. There was Jane the proper little Brit, who completely lacked the enthusiasm we had come to enjoy. There was Donna who spoke ‘Southern’, and while her voice had a certain charm, I was not sure I could understand everything she said. There was Ken the Aussie, with that wonderful combination of cockney and Strine, but he seemed out of place on an American freeway.

We tried the voices in other languages – Spanish, German, French, and Puerto Rican. You must know the language to follow the instructions, and we did not want to subscribe to a Berlitz course, just to understand a GPS voice.

Yoda was also not impressed by any of the other voices. For him, Lori’s voice was like a lullaby. He now climbs into the car, sits on the back seat, waits for us to turn her on. Once she says ‘ Turn left, and follow the road for 200 yards’ he knows that we are on our way, and he can now settle down to a nice sleep.

GPS is not widely available in India, but that is never a problem. There is always some kind soul on the side of the road, even the most modern expressways, ready to tell you how to get there. You may not get precise directions, it’s more a general ‘keep going and you can’t miss it’ instruction, but it works.

Yoda has changed all that. When we stop, Yoda is usually jumping up and down by the window, adding his two bits worth to the conversation. Our guide will ask the obligatory questions about him – does he bite, how old is he, what is his breed, and where did we get him. We answer patiently, because we know that any false move might see us pointed towards Afghanistan, or Sri Lanka.

Interrogation over, we are pointed in the right direction. Thanks to Yoda, the instructions are very precise. Go past this village. Turn right at the first crossroads. Go about ten miles, and you will see a bridge…….

We bid farewell. Yoda gives him a great tail wag. He then turns to us with a triumphant look as if to say ‘Who needs Lori, when you’ve got me?’