Three Black Spots

Pedigree

Mina’s family is trying to reconstruct a full family tree. It’s an interesting process, since it sometimes involving turning over rocks that are best left undisturbed.

One of her grand aunts from her mother’s side of the family achieved a certain notoriety by claiming that she had been the mistress of George V, known in India as Puncham George. Since it could not be disproved, in Rumsfeldian logic, it must have been true. No invitations to tea at Buckingham Palace or weekends at Sandringham have been forthcoming, but the tale has made its way down generations.

I have been always careful in making enquiries about my own family tree. My mother once warned me off any discussions about a few uncles, and I took the hint out of sheer self preservation. I am content to claim that I am an Iyengar Brahmin, finest kind, and I look very priest-like when I wear the caste marks on my forehead. Once again, it has never got me any mileage, not even Fast Track admission into a temple.

Yoda has a distinguished family tree, with a certified pedigree from the American Kennel Club. There are so many ways that he is one up over us. He is an American citizen, and his mother, three grandparents, and four great grandparents were Champions. No wonder we tread so softly around him.

It was great fun re-reading his Pedigree. The language is Shakesperean- the father is Sire, the mother is Dam, and he was whelped on September 7, 1994.

The names are a total delight. They span the entire spectrum. The mundane include his father who was Special Delivery, his paternal grandparents who were Properly Packaged, and Design’r Edition. The blithe names were Never Say Dye, Devil May Care, and Come Dance With Me. The politically incorrect one was his great grandfather Chu Chu Char-Lee Chan. They might as well have called him Ching Chong Chinaman. And the disgusting piece of treacle was Sen-Chu-Us-Sweetie.

I’m sure that each of these dogs had a different street name. I can’t imagine anyone yelling ‘Properly Packaged, stop that’ or ‘ Design’r Edition, come and get your kibble’. When I compare these names with Yoda the Wise, which is his formal given name, a warm feeling of superiority comes over me. What a great name, how appropriate, of the moment, and yet timeless. We’re so good, we’re baaaaaaaad.

Yoda’s great grandmother is Skruffy of Mini Muffy. Presumably there was a mini Muffy one generation before, and perhaps a Muffy too, but the AKC does not delve that far back. Instant Karmic circle. To have a Muffy as a forebear and as a friend today is too trippy for words. How Hindu can you get, and don’t forget that Yoda is from Illinois and Muffy is from Russia. Time to put on the Michael Jackson video and sing ‘ We are the world’.

With all this pedigree, how come Yoda is not a show dog? Why did the breeder not keep him, and win best in breed and best in show all over the country. We compare him with the Shih Tzus we see on the Westminster Dog Show, and he is the champion hands down. No doubt about it, to our unbiased minds.

It is a humbling thing to read the book on breed standards. ‘the body between the withers and the root of the tail is somewhat longer than the height at the withers’. Shiver me timbers mate, what are they talking about? The trained eye of the judges is able to spot deviations from the standard, and that makes the difference between the dog who is just representative of the breed, and the winner. It’s not just about beauty. Temperament and intelligence too must be on display.

It’s a good thing that we don’t have to be judged by any standards. Look at how many of us fail the BMI. Imagine how many more of us would fail the IQ and EQ tests. When the Martians take over, and cull the human race, you can see them making three categories ‘ Not quite human. Barely human. Good human’. I’m not taking bets on which group I will be herded into.

Any time we watch a dog show on TV, we put Yoda on the sofa beside us, and keep up a running line of patter. We recount his pedigree, we tell him that he is the greatest dog on earth, and we are careful not to over applaud, especially in the Toy Dog section.

One day I will persuade the Kennel Club to start a new category. ‘Dogs who have books written about them’. Yoda will be a shoo-in for the competition. Whether he wins or not, will depend on how well I write. The pressure, the pressure!