Three Black Spots

Microchipped

Closely watched Trains is a Czech film classic. A train dispatcher decorates his girlfriend’s rear end with an official rubber stamp from the German occupation. She is delighted, her mother is distraught, he is brought up on charges for ‘defaming the official German language’.

European art house films never have happy endings, and this is no exception. Though, government rubber stamps will always have a joyous association.

Mina who comes from a family of distinguished bureaucrats, refers to all government officials as Penguin Butts. Whether it is a reference to their anatomy , their slow measured movement, or their intellect I have not been able to discover. It’s a wonderful image though in the era of Happy Feet.

Penguin Butts are the same the world over. I had always believed that India was unique. Surely no one could compare with our insistence on forms filled out in triplicate, no wall color could be more depressing than our own shade of PWD green. At least pen pushers push pens. Ours don’t push anything. They show great signs of life and enthusiasm at 5.15 every evening, and when they are lost in rapturous contemplation of their retirement benefits.

The DMV in Manhattan was my wake up call. The bureaucratic mind set is everywhere. It knows no boundaries, it transcends all cultures, and it is more global than McDonalds. The DMV in New Jersey was even worse. Why does everything go downhill once you cross the Hudson?

When my hand luggage was stolen right in the high security area of the check in counter at aris airport, I went in to make the police complaint, and was confronted with a report in quintuplicate. Each form had its own color. Nice shades too. The French believe in good design in all parts of their life.

Travel is always high stress for me. Each time I am in an immigration line, I am convinced that they will take me away, and interrogate me under a bright light. Customs agents strike terror in my hearts. And ‘declaring’ Yoda as a plant/animal we are bringing in, adds its own special frisson.

Mina has found the perfect answer to Yoda and the bureaucrats. She has learned to kill them with kindness. They usually want to see a rabies certificate. She has three on hand. They want to see a recent doctor’s certificate. She has them going back three years. We were told that the EU required a special set of forms to be filled out by our vet. We have two full sets.

With a cheerful smile, she plants Yoda on the customs counter, fishes out three pounds of paper work, and fans them out on the table. The only thing missing is ‘ Pick a card, any card’. When you wave a mound of forms in front of a bureaucrat, they have two reactions. First, it must all be kosher if there is so much paper at hand. Second, no way am I going to read through all this. We get waved on.

Yoda was microchipped some time ago, and we have the paperwork to prove it. We have the little metallic tag on his harness, we have reports from George our vet, and from the ‘Lab’. All we have to do is say that he’s been chipped and offer to show the papers. ‘ Do you have anything else to declare?’. We look back at our 8 bags and with great insouciance say ‘No’. And waltz our way out .

The only time we were ever stopped at Customs with Yoda was by a woman officer. She ooked a little fierce, and had obviously not had a good day. She asked us to take Yoda out of his bag, and place him on the counter. She picked him up, examined him carefully, and then just kept looking at him. I was about to have my usual anxiety attack.

Moments ticked by, and she turned to us and asked ‘ Do you mind if I hold him for a bit?. I’ve got a Shih Tzu at home’. She played with Yoda, he looked up at her adoringly, we did the fond parent bit, the sniffer dogs came by and were shushed by their handlers, and everyone took a time out.

I know that I will never have the courage to smuggle anything. I sweat bullets over the extra duty free bottle of wine. But if I ever decide to switch careers and become a mule, Yoda will be my talisman. They may look askance at me, but no one will ever stop him.