The rising tide blasts all eardrums
Do I listen to loud music all day? Do I work in a noisy environment? Do I go clubbing a lot? I had gone for an ear exam , and the doctor put me through a battery of questions about my ‘sound habits’.
Like all my other doctors, he looked kindly at me and said ‘ For your age…..you’re fine’. As ringing an endorsement as I am likely to get from anyone, for anything these days. He did tell me to steer clear of speakers at rock concerts, and avoid spending time on factory shop floors.
Am I a hipster? Do I go clubbing all night, messenger bag around my neck, and I Pod ganglia snaking out of my ears? Nah. Do I wear hardhats to work and whistle at blondes who walk past? Nah, but it’s an idea worth pursuing. My decibel footprint is modest. Cool jazz is not going to fry my eardrums, and the loudest noise I usually hear is ‘ You’ve got mail’. Not much danger of self inflicted damage to my hearing.
Noise is a whole other deal for Yoda. The Indian monsoons are a terrible time, with the thunderstorms keeping him awake all night. Weather is an act of God, and there is nothing we can do about it.
But Divali is entirely an act of man. We celebrate the festival of lights, with lots of noise. For about a week, the entire country explodes with the sound of firecrackers. The more noise you make, the more you celebrate the triumph of good over evil. The subtext is that the more noise you make, the more money you’ve made.
Makes you long for a good old recession. Nothing like a falling Sensex to give everyone a dose of humility. I am sure this has been researched – as the Dow goes down, ‘please’ and thank yous’ go up.
We have tried different strategies. Swaddling him up in his baby blanket, creating a burrow space, crawling under the bed – they all provide about five minutes’ relief. For a while we all sat in the bedroom and watched DVDs at full volume. But CSI and Law and Order just don’t have enough bang.
The Internet brought us a mini-manual. Probably written by the folks who wrote the protocols for water boarding at Abu Ghraib. Since dogs are afraid of noise, it would be wise to stage ‘noise performances’ to terrorize the dog, followed by praise and some treats. Condition them out of their fear. Start with hand claps, and evolve all the way to gun shots. Yes, gun shots. I kid you not. As a concession to the dog’s tender nerves, it is suggested that the shells be fired into something soft like an old pillow. The punch line is that only adults experienced in firearms should be involved. Dick Cheney need not apply. If he can shoot a Republican donor in the face, he will have no hesitation in shooting your dog in the head.
Thank God for Bark magazine. It won my heart the first time I saw its tag line ‘ Dog is my Co- Pilot’. We saw an ad for an Anxiety Wrap created by a woman for her own pets. It’s like a very tight fitting T shirt with Velcro straps and plastic hooks. Works like a dream.
These wraps are good for a thunderstorm that will pass in an hour or two. But, Diwali is a full 7 day assault on your eardrums. No way he can wear the wrap for all 7 days. So, we fled to our beach house, to get away from it all. But noise making has made its way even to the villages of India. The economists in Delhi would be proud to see trickle down at work..
When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When fight is not an option, flight is good.
This year we plan to celebrate Diwali in Italy. Any excuse.
Mar 28, 2009 | | Book