Three Black Spots

Made in India

Every year at the ASEAN meeting , the Mandarins from each country are supposed to put on a little show. Everyone looks to the US to lead the way. Madeleine Albright sang ‘ Don’t cry for me Aseanies’ . I believe it sounded like she was saying wienies, but no one took offense. Condi did her high minded bit on the piano. And the team from India led by Chidambaram sang a version of a Hindi-pop song. The refrain went ‘ Made in Indiya, Made in Indiya’. 

But not everything is. We were coming down in the elevator in Bombay, and observing the usual etiquette. No eye contact. Intent contemplation of the flashing lights as the floors went by. On the 9th floor, a tall bearded gent got in. Truth be told, he was a little scruffy looking. I was tempted to refer to him, sotto voce of course as a ‘poor man’s Castro’. Mercifully, I did not.

He kept looking at Yoda , and he was not sending any love. ‘ What breed is he?’. ‘ Shih Tzu’. ‘ I knew he must be a foreign breed’. ‘ He’s from China. A cousin of the Lhasa Apso who is from Tibet’. And then he launched into his tirade.‘ We have no Indian dogs. All dogs in India are imported. The only truly Indian dogs are the pariah dogs on the streets’. By this time, we were at the Lobby level, and he gave us a fierce glare, and stomped off.

Could this be true? We ran through the names of breeds we had seen in India – Dachshund, Dalmatian, Golden retriever, Collie, Alsatian, Pug, Bulldog, Rottweiler, Labrador….and not a native Indian breed in sight.

How could this be? If a dog was part of the Mahabharata, then how come there was no truly Indian dog? Mina who knows everything( and goes by the initials IHE for In House Expert) produced this factoid. The dingo was native to India, but the entire breed migrated to Australia either during the great Continental drift, or on fishing boats from South East Asia. They were the original settlers, long before the Aborigines, or convicts. India should lay claim to some part of Australia on this basis. This is how the great colonial empires were built, weren’t they?

We have the peacock, we have the water buffalo, we have the Bengal tiger, we have the elephant, we have birds, bees and beasts coming out of our wazoo. But, no dog. Well, there is one breed called the Rampur Hound, but according to the internet ‘ they have fallen into oblivion’. Yesterday’s news. If no one knows you, you don’t exist.

Dogs are perfect for word association tests. Britain, Bulldog. German, Shepherd. French, Poodle. Even Karl Rove could not have done better. Swiss, St Barnard. Japanese, Akita. Dalmatian, Fire Truck. Dachshund, Sabrett’s. American. Paris Hilton. Mexican, Chihuahua. Dogs sum up the national identity and ethos in a very neat shorthand. I challenge you to find another species of animal, bird or fish that can do this trick. Dogs rule, I told you.

Its obvious that India needs a national dog. So what if it is not native to our land? We are the experts at finding something we like, and making it our own. Plagiarism has never bothered us. Sorry Kaavya.

We turned Hollywood into Bollywood. Pharma majors, begat the Indian generics. I just read about the latest fashion statement in Madras – the celphone sari. A smart little pouch, hanging off the waist, perfectly placed so it will always be aligned, no matter how you wear the saree. So what if ringtones emanate from our midriffs? So what if our women get a buzz when the phone is on vibrate mode? Could Karl Lagerfeld have done better?

I propose that we adopt the Shih Tzu as our national dog. Sure, China might get pissed off. But they still have the Pekinese, so they’ll be fine. And remember, they took over Buddha and parts of our north east borders. I guess we are quits.

Why a Shih Tzu? If the heart were to rule the choice, there would be no debate. But the mind must also be appeased with reasons. So, here are three.

We need a pooch who is exclusive. It would not do to pick a garden variety dog.

We need a pooch who is pretty . We gave the world Aishwarya Rai and the Taj Mahal. We need to maintain the tradition.  We need a pooch who is small. Apartments in the new India are becoming tinier by the day.

I rest my case. The only piece of the puzzle left is – what will Yoda make of all this? Will he agree to being poochum inter pares?

I think that like all Global Indians, he will have only one question. What are the royalties?