Three Black Spots

J’Accuse

These damn dogs are getting ahead of themselves. Every day there’s a story about some new skill they acquire, some new trick they learn to perform. I read about a dog who saw his master choking on some food,jumped up on him from the back, pushed him down on the ground, and in the process performed a Heimlich maneuver. The errant bit of food shot out of his master’s mouth like a bullet, he didn’t even wait to recover from his wheezing, before he was out proclaiming the miracle.

What’s going on? Have the dogs of the world appointed Hill and Knowlton to front all these stories? They say flacks will work for anyone as long as they get paid. How do they get paid? Surely kibble wont do the job. Whatever the currency, dogs are getting great value. I dare you – open the pages of any newspaper, and see if you can escape the inevitable dog story. No one is immune – not even the NYT or the NYer. The latter will at a minimum cough up a dog cartoon, if not an entire profile or a Talk of the Town piece.

How about this for the warm snugglies? School kids ae learning to read aloud to dogs that cuddle up beside them, settle into a steady rhythm of non judgmental breathing, and listen with great affection. The kids don’t feel under pressure or the threat of being evaluated, presumably the dogs feel no need to provide any input, and a good time is had by all. There are now 16,000 therapy dogs participating in reading assistance programs in schools and libraries all over the US. I kid you not. I read it in Newsweek. It must be true, right?

We’ve all read stories about dogs visiting people in hospital, helping people recover from surgery, cheering up the lives of terminally ill children. Seeing eye dogs, dogs who can defuse landmines, and don’t forget, it was the Russian dog Laika who went up into space way before the astronauts. Did she say ‘One small step for man, a giant step for dogkind?’

So, I have a question to ask of some prominent dogs, who have recently dropped the ball big time. When it really mattered, some of you did not step up to the plate. Are you guys just hype, mere flash, studying opinion polls and carefully triangulating public opinion? Where’s the beef?

Let’s start with Tinkerbell. Where were you when Paris Hilton was DWI? Even if the lawyer did not read the fine print to her, and a fat lot of good it did him trying to fall on his sword in court with his mea culpa, where were you? How come you didn’t reach for the court order, allow the wind to blow it open to the right page, use your paw and a few well timed barks to draw her attention to what the judge said? Instead you allowed her to draw the ‘Go directly to Jail card’. How come you were asleep at the wheel? Slacker!

Yo Barney! Yeah you. Just because you were the White House dog, personal property of the W-ster himself, doesn’t mean you get to skip this inquiry. Okay, I know he dropped you on the head so we have to cut you a little slack. But, are you telling me that you just sat there and ate kibble while Baghdad burned? Didn’t you at least channel Milly’s spirit, she of the steady hand who guided 41 through Iraq 1? You should be grateful that Michael Moore loves dogs. Otherwise he might have used footage of you instead of Wolfowitz in the opening sequence of Fahrenheit 9/11. I bet you too spit on your brush before you slick your hair back.

J’accuse – Marty Richard’s dog – how could you allow Kramer to descend into Gibson world? Our Kramer, he of the Geeddyaaaaap, the face that charmed the Soup Nazi, and the finger in socket hair.

J’accuse, the President of Kazakhstan’s dog- you should have told him that Borat was the best thing that happened to the country since sliced bread, or naan. Every time he fulminated, DVD sales of the Borat movie went up. What were you thinking? How come you didn’t tell him to make Sasha Baron Cohen the Tourism Minister for Life.

Since I am in the mood – J’accuse Yoda. There’s a small matter of 3 shirts from H&M that you should never have let me buy. You wre there, and you let me indulge myself in a post mid life crisis moment. Slim fit shirts – hah!

You see, we have a wonderful Social Contract that we signed with dogs a long time ago. We would provide them with food, water, shelter, leash and harness, and good grooming. If circumstances permitted, other things were also written into the Contract. Spa treatments, designer treats, holistic manicures, and brand name gear. Some would even have adoring books written about them.

In return they would only have to do one thing. Save us from ourselves. Most times they do. But when they don’t, it gets my goat.